I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
if only i could text you this smell
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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