what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
