you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
