Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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