I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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