glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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