thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
