You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
