basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
