Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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