Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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