Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
