end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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