I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
