My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
