Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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