The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
