I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
