Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
