when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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