im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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