Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
