just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize