I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
