nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
