You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
