yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
