There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
