Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
