I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize