there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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