Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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