I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
