On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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