Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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