True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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