she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
