i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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