I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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