Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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