guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
