I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
