Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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