Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
im holly from the hills drunk
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
