Jerry, you need to find god
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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