I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
