Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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