I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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