I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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