stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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