I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
