I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
My liver just had a heart attack.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
