I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
