i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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