I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
