At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
