Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
