I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
