I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
