Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
