It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
