Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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