Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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