ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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